“One of my main goals on the 30-day teleconference was to really experience imperturbability but I didn’t dream of how challenging that was to become for me.
Just before the end of the course, my daughter-in-law had a beautiful little baby girl and everything seemed to be fine, we were all very happy and the baby was doing well. Then the day after the course finished the baby became ill and was taken into our local hospital. She really deteriorated very quickly and they found she had a heart problem. She was put on very strong medication to keep her heart working but that shut down her breathing so they put her on a ventilator. All this time I was sending love to all the medical staff and releasing my fears. The doctor wanted to send her to another hospital which was a 2 hour high speed drive away but when the ambulence team arrived they said her health was too poor to travel and suggested a special ambulence and a medical team should be sent for who had expertise in treating very sick babies.
The best hospital for her condition unfortunately hadn’t got an intensive care bed available so I released the need to control that outcome and when the specialist team arrived they took 5 hours to stabilise her condition by which time a bed at the favoured hospital became free. All of this time I was despirately wanting her to survive and she was only just being kept alive with the aid of medication and breathing tubes. Then I remembered what you had said, “You must want imperturbability more than a dying man wants air” so I decided to let go of wanting her to live.
I kept seeing her body in the incubator linked up to tubes and machines and decided I needed to let that picture go. The fear and resistance was huge to letting her die but I was determined to let her go no matter what it took. It was then I got a sense of her in a really peaceful place and we were looking down on her body, suddenly I realised that I was wanting her to live in that body to please me and the family and immediately let her make her own choice. The next phone call from my son was optimistic, she had stabilised and was now able to have an operation to correct the heart problem.
On the day of the operation I sat all day releasing every fear that came up as if her life depended on it. It was as if every demon from hell was rising to challenge me to stop, then finally I got a picture of a huge warrior who told me it had been protecting me and if I let it go I would be completely vulnerable and defenseless to protect myself. I remember saying I want imperturbability more than I want safety or control and it deflated like a balloon. Something really changed in me at that point, I experienced a calm and a knowing that I had felt as if the whole of my life had been a struggle to survive and now that feeling has gone.
As for my Granddaughter, she is doing very well, the operation was a success and she is now off all medication, is breathing unaided, feeding happily, and is hoping to come home at least a week sooner than expected.
This course may well have been a life saver, thank you so much.” – Mary